I'm in class now, trying extremely hard to listen to prof but i keep getting distracted. i feel like i'm floating out there somewhere while my body is here physically. maybe i didn't sleep enough. ): arrgghh why can't i multi-task. i need to concentrate!

and i have a swollen eye. urgh.

ooh and i think i have that droopy eye thing. you know the news article that came out a few years ago claiming that some people have droopy eyelids because they frequently pulled their eyelids up so as to put their contact lenses in? apparently they had to go for plastic surgery to correct it. i don't want to go for plastic surgery. ): but i don't want tiny eyes with droppy eyelids either. fml.

and i decided on a hp laptop instead of a macbook pro again. cuz its lighter. omg i can't make up my mind.

did i mention that i'm all alone in school today? ): i hate being alone. i think i have issues. raaahhh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAS, AMANDA AND NICOLE :D

don't be upset anymore please. ):

):<

I love you :D

i commited a sinful mistake today.

I WENT SHOPPING DURING MY LUNCH BREAK!!!!

now i'm feeling miserable cuz i want to buy EVERYTHING.

D:

lies are horrible. they are hurtful, painful, harmful to everyone.

and i just found something more painful than lies.

the truth.

facing up to the fucking truth. when it is fucking staring you in the face but you refuse to look at it, to stare at it, choosing just to overlook it.

but when the time comes and you are forced to look at it in the eye, it is too overwhelming for you to handle.

you just fucking want to close up and shut the whole fucking world up. just hide away, go away to some place far far away.

everyone close to you, the people you love, the only people you care about, the only people who affect you, the only people you listen to, the people you respect, the people you thought you knew well.

they don't exist. they aren't what you thought they were. you just fucking wanted them to be someone they were not.

you just wanted to live in self-denial.

you just wanted everything to be perfect.

you just wanted to be happy.

how fucked up is that.

you knew how they were. but you just wanted to pretend.

playing pretend. isn't that what all kids love?

i wish i can be a kid forever.

maybe its time you face up to reality and realise that you aren't a kid anymore.

so that means you can no longer play pretend.

i just want to run away. i can't face it all. just one night and everything crumbles. everything you thought you knew, everyone you love and trust.

nothing is real. it was all in my head.

nothing, fucking nothing at all.

i wanted too much out of life. i wanted too much out of you two.

just when i'm making an effort to try to set things in my life right, nothing fucking wants to go right.

fuck this. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i have not felt so exhausted or bored in sooooooo long. omg. two hours into the job and i wanted to quit. i was even contemplating not returning when my lunch break ended. but! i have thought about it really long and i decided that i should stop being such a spoilt and irresponsible brat. so, i shall persevere on! hehe. and i don't think they will pay me if i just quit like that. i shall wait for them to fire me!

anyway, i was so tired and distracted, i didnt even notice that i took the train in the wrong direction home. i only realised after two stops. hm that was embarrassing. i made sure that the people on the other train didn't see me rush into the train on the opposite side. hee. and i almost died from wearing those stupid heels cuz i dont have any other black shoes. luckily, thanks to janine, i got used to wearing heels for long periods of time. :D

i was really looking forward to it. i was, really.